World’s Biggest Cheese in Town Today

I will accept your pathetic devotions, humans. Now kneel BEFORE THE CHEESE!Photo: courtesy Beemster; Istockphoto

To say that we felt only excited at the prospect of seeing the worlds biggest cheese today would be an understatement. It was more like awe. Six-feet wide and weighing over 1,300 pounds, the Gouda-style cheese is the star of a special exhibit co-sponsored by Murrays Cheese and the Beemster company of Holland. A bothersome case of gout will be keeping us from the cheeses press conference, which we are told is scheduled for 11:30 a.m. But weve thought of some ways the milk monument might be put to use.

Poison cheese and leave it outside on 42nd Street, ending New Yorks rat problem once and for all.

Use slices to insulate electrified manhole covers, thus freeing up official ConEd vehicles for more pressing business.

Use as cargo cult totem to overawe commuters from distant areas.

Sink a cheese knife deep within; whoever can remove it will be crowned as King of Cheese.

Three words: hot-tub fondue.

Luxury doll house for Chester Cheetah figurines.

Promotional item for overseas dairy.