Actress Jackie Hoffman Grocery-Shops Like a Soccer Mom

Jackie Hoffman

Jackie Hoffman cannot wait to eat that chicken.Photo: Melissa Hom

Actress and comedian Jackie Hoffman has one of those faces you’ve seen a million times but can’t quite identify — yet. She was the self-described “model” girlfriend of a blind man on Curb Your Enthusiasm and a rival cheese-ball maker to Amy Sedaris in The Book of Liz. Now she’s appearing in Xanadu on Broadway, a two-a-day schedule that has her eating breakfast at noon, lunch at five, and dinner at midnight. We checked in on her low-calorie-eating and bulk-buying habits.

Wednesday, August 15
I made two eggs in the microwave in a mug. It makes them poofy and fluffy. I had some real rye bread in the house and sprayed it with this canola spray I get at Trader Joe’s. It’s like spraying Pam right on your food. Ugh. My boyfriend buys these terrible, giant Red Delicious apples at Costco, so I ate half of one with some almonds before the matinee, along with some Trader Joe’s meatless meatballs. They’re not bad; there’s a lot of seasoning.

For dinner I had one and a half cups of Special K and then a chicken. My boyfriend is good with chicken. Were you looking for the whole rock-and-roll, living-on-Cheetos thing? Not gonna happen here.

Tuesday, August 14
For breakfast I made a bowl of mush made up of Puffins, which is one of those barbarous healthy cereals that don’t have a lot of crap but taste good enough that you can almost get off on it. I mix the Puffins with cottage cheese and yogurt and some apples.

After the evening show I had a banana, salmon, salad, asparagus, and also some whole-wheat spaghetti. I tried to make it exciting by spraying that oil on it. At least it’s not cancer spray. Oh, my boyfriend also found these organic raspberry Popsicles.

Monday, August 13
I had some Greek yogurt, grapefruit, and lots of coffee. We buy the Starfuck’s beans from Costco. Then that same day I went to the real Starbuck’s. It’s like going to the Gap. I turn the bag inside out so nobody sees. I swipe some packets of Splenda.

Since this was my day off, I went to my mother’s. She’s all about the bulk, too. She made beef stew and turkey legs. I tried to negotiate. She is an unbelievable cook, but I always get really bad heartburn there. At home that night I ate too many Cheddar-cheese rice cakes. And we get cherries from Costco, so they come in tubs big enough for a prison, so we freeze them and eat them as little treats in front of the TV.

Sunday, August 12
So here we go again with the Puffins mixed into the cottage cheese, yogurt, and one of those 60-pound apples. I had lunch out with my cousin at Charley O’s. Her daughter married the owner, Dennis Riese, so I can eat there for free. I had a hamburger, spinach instead of fries, and club soda. I love diet soda, but I have to stay off it because of the reflux. My boyfriend is a jazz musician, and I came late to his gig and apparently missed the solo of his life. Then, well after midnight, we went to the Moonstruck Diner for turkey with no gravy, salad, and string beans. It was all about the stuffing. I am entitled to three meals a day and hadn’t had my third yet.

Saturday, August 11
There’s a special kind of yogurt that I love that only Whole Foods has. It’s a horrible fucking place, a baby-infested horror, but I love that yogurt. It’s called Mrs. Butterworth or Mrs. Buttermilk. Then half of one of those nasty Costco apples. Now there are only 50 of them. For dinner we had the famous Empire chicken. We threw some carrots in the pan. Then it was some organic cocoa puffs for dessert. It’s the only way you can get your low-calorie chocolate.