Rocco’s Hips Don’t Lie

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We'll just be totally honest: We didn't watch Tuesday's season premiere of Dancing With the Stars, probably because we have, oh, absolutely no attention span for these things. But it's for the best: Rocco DiSpirito and his partner Karina Smirnoff didn't do so hot, performing a foxtrot that made it seem, in one judge's words, as if he "were being zapped by a cattle prod." See, Rocco, you can't just swagger onto any ol' reality show you please, thinking Padma's invariably going to appear and flutter her eyelashes at you. DWTS means business! But our protagonist and his partner escaped elimination that first night, leaving them to appear again last night, this time performing some sort of Mambo of Redemption. It didn't come easy: "I'm loving the mambo but the mambo doesn't love me," Rocco muses during practice, awkwardly moving his hips in such a way that we were able to think only one thing: Remember when this guy was a chef? Click to watch clips of the two very special performances.

NIGHT ONE: ROCCO'S FOXTROT

NIGHT TWO: ROCCO'S MAMBO