Grinch-Like Adam Platt to Top Chef Producers: ‘A Pox on Their Houses!’

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Photo: Courtesy of Bravo

Okay, someone on the Top Chef staff must be a frustrated English major, because after that whole something borrowed, something new thing last episode, they broke out The Twelve Days of Christmas for this one. Enough with the word play! Instead, why not ask the cheftestants to cook something for Santa Claus and have Colicchio shoot down the chimney in a fuzzy red hat? And of course, the cookbook-plugging portion of the show featured Martha Stewart sternly judging one-pot wonders. The episodes conclusion made our head explode like an uncorked bottle of Korbel, and we werent surprised that the esteemed Adam Platt had a similar reaction.

Maurer: Wow, that episode was like getting coal in your stocking. Three French hens, two turtle doves, and not one contestant eliminated.

Platt: What a farce. The twelve days of Christmas was a ridiculous conceit to begin with, especially considering they probably shot it in August. The poor kitchen slaves had no idea what to cook.

Maurer: Its true that amfAR benefit with the Christmas trees was like a Potemkin village. I Googled it and found nothing. And we were promised celebrities! All we got was Kenneth Cole!

Platt: The whole episode was a ridiculous sham. They didnt even have the guts to send Eugene of the Tattoos packing! The minute he uttered that fateful term, pineapple rings, they should have yanked him from the stage.

Maurer: Well, his wasnt the only atrocity. Padma looked like she was about to suffer a reversal of fortune when she tasted Jamies crudo of sea scallop. And whats with all the scallops? Jamie is on the verge of out-scalloping Leah.

Platt: Jamies a scallop freak, apparently. We even caught a shot of her desperately cooking scallops for the next episode. I cant wait to see that!

Maurer: Why did we never find out who left the fridge open, and why werent they given the boot? The producers mustve had footage.

Platt: A pox on all their houses! We cant even muster up the energy to talk about who might get axed next week, because guess what? They might not ax anybody. But I have to say, grudgingly, I did enjoy Marthas brief turn. She paraded regally among them like she was the Queen of England. She even had the half-handshake down. She did not approve of poor Eugenes starchy Korean stew.

Maurer: But then she bestowed honors on Arianes filet mignon by saying from one Jersey girl to another

Platt: Why does Ariane keep winning these competitions? Shes from Jersey, for Chrissakes! It doesn't speak well of the others. Maybe theyre all just really crappy cooks.

Maurer: Lets remember, Colicchio is also from Jersey. But even he had to throw up his arms in defeat, as did Michelle Bernstein (yet another non-NYC judge). Obviously its a measure of desperation that next weeks judge is Toby Young, the poor mans Simon Cowell.

Platt: The Dons move was a shameful cop-out. Maybe they felt bad about the refrigerator busting. I have to say, though, I quite admired the Dons blue silk suit.

Maurer: They really shouldve scratched the episode when that meat spoiled, but then Korbel wouldnt have gotten that money shot of the cheftestants toasting. And lets face it, it perfectly embodied Christmas (suspiciously so) when they all chipped in for Radhika. She was the episodes Tiny Tim.

Platt: Who cares about Radhika and her spoiled duck?! Who cares about any of them?! They're putting us all to sleep. Speaking of which

Maurer: You know what you need, my friend? A soothing flute of Korbel. I will leave you to it