Economy Finally Hits Fiberglass Maitre D’ Community

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New rule: If a restaurants chef is made out of fiberglass, you might want to walk away. Its beyond us why any self-respecting establishment would put one of these schmendricks on duty, much less keep him there even after hes been so gruesomely handicapped that he looks like he should be begging for change but on West 42nd Street, Monettis Pizza is married to the idea of its Italian chef and, a block away, the Bagel Bar at 360 West 42nd has been 100 percent committed to its synthetic maitre d. And why shouldnt they be? These things go for $1,300!

The Italian chef has had his hand taken off and his forearms severed at various points his minders have surgically reattached his left arm with masking tape and given him a scarf to cover up a gaping wound in his shoulder. Jeeves, meanwhile, also seems to have had his hand blown off, but still he remained outside for drunken tourists to hump while their friends took photos. Now, however, Jeeves is locked inside of the empty store like a hostage, holding a piece of paper that indicates that the Bagel Bar has CLOSED, as if the FOR RENT sign that just went up wasnt indicator enough. Really, we should be happy that at least one of these guys is off the street (though honestly, wed have preferred the Italian chef and with him the mutilated Italian chef outside of Sals Pizzeria, among others). And yet somehow were a little bit sad. Well miss you, Jeeves may you never be replaced by a meerkat sculpture.