A Pesto Play by Dallas Roberts

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He's crafted a delicious dramedy. Photo: Cindy Ord/Getty Images

Grub Street caught up with Dallas Roberts over at the opening night of Relatively Speaking, where Roberts was daydreaming about his own one-act play: an homage to pesto. Naturally, Roberts would play the lead, with Bobby Cannavale as "the cop," and "youd need a movie star to be the girl, so Elaine Stritch." It would go something like this ...

All right. Its two people, its a couple, and they want to go get pesto; theyre going to make dinner, and they need pesto, but theyre in Brooklyn. So theyre going for pesto theyve got everything else, you know, the pasta and so theyre walking for the pesto, but its hard to find pesto necessarily, so they go into the Met Foods and theres no pesto, and then they go to the other place and theres no pesto. But every time they ask, Do you have pesto? They go, Whats pesto? And they go, Its pine nuts and olive oil and basil, and no one has it. No one has it. Finally, they walk into this just bodega, just a proper shit bodega, but nothings on the shelves, theres, like, a can of Dinty Moore, and thats it. And they say, Do you have pesto? and the guys, like, Whats pesto? And he goes, You know, its olive oil, basil and pine nuts. And then [makes siren sound, motions flashing lights with hands] cops roll up, because this place is not a bodega, it sells drugs, which is why theres nothing on the shelves, and they think this is whats going on. So they put them up against the wall, he and his girlfriend, throw them up against the wall, and they say, Whats going on? And he goes, Youve got the wrong guy, etc., etc., blah, blah, blah. We were just here buying pesto. You know New York cops, they were like, You were trying to buy pesto in a bodega? Impossible. So, as it ends, they release them from the security, and theyre allowed to go, and as theyre walking away, the cop goes, No, no, everythings cool, they just wanted to buy pesto. And over the air you hear the other cop go, Whats pesto? And he goes, You know, basil, pine nuts, olive oil.

End.