Indigestion,

Imperiled in New York, Coca-Cola Returns to Burma

While the war on sugary soft drinks rages on in our home turf, the Coca-Cola corporation has announced it will begin doing business in Burma for the first time in 60 years. The company also announced a $3 million donation to an NGO that will “eventually identify women entrepreneurs interested in becoming independent shopkeepers and distributors of Coca-Cola products.” Invoking the Berlin Wall falling and a “Winds of Change” vibe, Coca-Cola notes that the only holdouts now are North Korea and Cuba, and by association, normalized trade via cold soda all around is a sign of progress. The Coca-Cola Theory, if you will, joins the Golden Arches Theory of Conflict Prevention, Starbucks Hypothesis, the Big Mac Index, and the Doritos Theory of Drug Trafficking. At press time, scientists and economists from around the world continue to work diligently in hopes of reconciling all of the observations above into a singular and elegant Grand Unified Theory of Belching. [AP]

Imperiled in New York, Coca-Cola Returns to Burma